Hey Le’Veon Bell, Julio Jones and every other playmaker out there,

On some random Friday night, you’re going to find yourself sitting around with nothing to do and thinking that maybe it’d be fun to go out with your friends, have a few drinks and, quite possibly, carry a concealed weapon in your jeans. Maybe you’re thinking it’d be great to play a light flag football game with the guys. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

Oh right. Literally, any of this.

So, I beg of you, before you go out, before you play a pointless game of pickup or drive your motorcycle without a helmet, ask yourself one thing, “What would Gronk do?”1

Yes, that Gronk.

Everyone’s favorite sentient mechanical bull who ranks as one of the top 10 tight ends of all time but ranks first overall in our hearts. Gronk’s long list of off-the-field shenanigans has been well documented, but all his tomfoolery is still somehow endearing. Maybe it’s because instead of starting fights and throwing haymakers,2 he spends his offseason partying like a drunken sailor (literally) and offering folksy, uh, wisdom(?) like this:

 

Gronk is a model partier who sometimes parties with models3 and the perfect role model for all you NFL studs who are looking for a good time but don’t want to risk injury, suspension or a lame night.

So to the Le’Veon, the Julio and the rest of you sure things – have your fun. But next time you’re out for a night on the town, remember to ask yourself: what would Gronk do?4 Well, he’d probably do another dozen shots and dance around like his mother was a pogo stick.5 But after that! After that he’d order up an Uber and head home.6 Do the same, guys. Our fantasy teams are relying on it.

Your friend in fantasy,

Schilly

  1. WWGD?
  2. Okay, there was that one time.
  3. And, you know, porn stars.
  4. We can make you a rubber WWGD bracelet if that’ll help you remember.
  5. And his father was a jackhammer?
  6. Okay, maybe he’d have one more drink.
Author

Alex Schillinger is an editor and contributor at The Read Option.

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