America is kind of a dumb place right now. We suck at akudemicks school and we keep putting people who seem to be terrible at their jobs in charge of our most cherished institutions. Oh and we elected Donald covfefing Trump as our President too. Not a great run. America likes to see itself as a roaring F-150 but the reality is that we’ve become a squealing clown car filled with literal bozos.

So when I saw that some people are predicting that Peyton Manning will become the President of the United States of America some day, I didn’t think, “Wow, that’s pretty stupid because he doesn’t know a goddamn thing about politics.” Instead, I thought, “Yeah, that seems about right.”

The only question that really remains is: what kind of leader will Presidential Peyton be? Let’s take a look.

He’s A Quick Thinker

Despite his beautiful deep ball and his pinpoint accuracy, Manning’s most famous on-field skill is his endless audibling. Dude turned “Omaha” into a football meme in just one game. Considering the complex and ever-changing world of global politics, that kind of quick thinking would be welcome in the White House. Come to think of it, any amount of thinking would be welcome in the White House these days.

He’s Not Great Under Pressure

For all his in season accolades, Manning’s postseason winning percentage of 0.519 is decidedly average. Unfortunately for Manning, Americans have long known that when it comes to politics, it’s important to deliver your best performances when the lights are brightest. Right?

Maybe your success will even get a face named after you.

He Knows He Can’t Do It All

Any good leader knows that they can’t do everything alone. They need support from a deep and talented group of teammates. Manning, who – for all his offensive exploits – won two Super Bowls thanks to amazing defensive performances, surely understands this. Don’t let the man down, though or you’ll hear about it.

He Cares About the Children

As the leader of the free world, the President has an obligation to more than the current electorate: the POTUS has a responsibility to shepherd the world into the future, to care about the children. If there’s anything we know about Manning, it’s that he’s great with kids.

He’s on TV All the Time

Actually, forget everything else. Recent history tells us that, no matter what you do, if you’re on TV enough, people will vote for you. Who cares if you’re qualified? It’s only the most important job in the world! What if you have a sordid instance of alleged sexual assault in your past? It doesn’t matter! Television trumps all1 and Manning, who’s had roughly 16 million commercials, is as good a candidate as anyone could be. What a world. Manning 2020!

  1. See what I did there?!

Brennan Quenneville is an editor and contributor at The Read Option. He can also be found at his blog and at Type In Stereo, where he is a contributor.

Write A Comment