It’s the greatest time of year. Draft time. And what better way to get prepped for your draft than auto-playing YouTube videos for hours on end? So let’s check in with fantasy football expert and that creepy guy in the back of your college economics class, Field Yates.

Field, like, wow. I get it, this is a fluff piece to add to your digital catalog and generate some ad revenue. But c’mon. Put a little effort into it. Those graphics are terrible, that music makes me want to pop my ear drums, and your narration is about as unique as, well, anything on ESPN these days. Plus, you got everything wrong. No, really.

Rule 1: Draft Based on Value

No fucking shit. Does anyone go into the draft thinking, “Meh, fuck it. $40 on Adrian Peterson. Washington’s gonna kill it this year.” No. You’re not adding anything to the discourse with this “rule,” Field. Because it’s not a rule. It’s the basic premise of drafting, you dolt.

Rule 2: Be Patient with Quarterbacks

Sure, he’s right when he says there’s talent deeper into the draft but his lone example is Aaron Rodgers. That doesn’t mean that if Tom Brady’s available for $6 you pass that shit up. Jump on that steal and give yourself a patient fucking pat on the back.

Rule 3: Use Your Final Picks on a Kicker or a Defense

If you’ve been reading The Read Option for a while, you may remember that I love the idea of drafting kickers early…and often. Here’s the thing, with kickers—just like with every other position—you want the best one you can get. And sure, there’s not a ton of year over year consistency at the position but if you snag a Gostkowski or Zuerlein early, you’re helping yourself to a legitimate asset and forcing your friends to take some Tampa kicker who’s inevitably going to be terrible and get cut. Besides that, it’s almost impossible to accurately identify skill position talent in the late rounds and the odds are good that anyone drafted with your last few picks will be headed to the waiver wire in a week or two anyway. Why not get a good kicker?

Rule 4: In the Late Rounds, Roll Some Dice

You know what’s cooler than mixing metaphors during a fantasy football show on a major cable network? A sick ball-cracking-the-screen gag. Sure, he’s right, you gotta take chances late in the draft, but dammit, I can’t get over how terrible these visuals are. It’s 2018, step it up.

Rule 5: Stacking

There is a basic flaw with stacking and it’s that, if you draft Ben Roethlisberger to complement Antonio Brown, you’re stuck with Ben fucking Roethlisberger as your quarterback. Yeah, some weeks that’ll payoff, but you’d put yourself in a better position by drafting a quarterback capable of putting up more consistent numbers.

Rule 6: Be Mindful of Bye Weeks

Wrong. This one is straight up wrong. You’re better off drafting all the best players, all the damn time. Bye weeks are a bitch but you’d be better off fielding a team of backups for one or two weeks than intentionally taking a worse player because your preferred guy has the same by week as Todd Gurley.

Rule 7: Understand When to Handcuff

So, like, do research? Weird.

Rule 8: Where to Draft Backups

Zach Ertz, Delanie Walker, Travis Kelce and on and on and on. Over the last few years, these are the types of “backups” that Field has advised you to pass up. But here’s the thing: TEs are tough to predict, so why put all your trust in one when the next this guy could be waiting on your bench?

Rule 9: Know the Room

Suggesting that you need to “know the room” is the ultimate cover-your-ass recommendation. It can’t be wrong! And it takes no insight from the person recommending it because they’re not actually telling you anything. It also completely undercuts the rest of this list because you can justify any draft strategy by saying you chose it because you “know the room.” This is the single most useless and generic advice that could possibly be offered.

But, you know, nice job, Field.

Author

Alex Schillinger is an editor and contributor at The Read Option.

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